laurielizzle (laurielizzle) wrote,
laurielizzle
laurielizzle

taking some weight of my shoulders...or ass

 sometimes i dont realize how incredibly much i miss home. i mean i know that i miss it, but not to the degree that i truely miss everyone and everything. i feel like i am missing out alot by being so far away. all the parties, all the fun times that i am not there for. i know i had to go off on my own and try something new but there are times that i regret it. i miss my mom SOO much and my brother. and little raven. i know they miss me and patchie but they dont call that much(especially raven) yeah but i am glad i had this experience and its going so fast. i have been here for going on 4 months now..but i wanna go home! its my comfort place..whenever i am mad or sad or insanely overwhemled i just say i wanna go home and hide under the covers..like that would fix anything! i know not that brightest idea but hey it makes me feel better for a split second. 

and i know that not only am i missing out on fun times, but also times that my friends and family need me. i hate to hear about a crisis or tough time that i cant just give that person a hug, or a bowl hit or get patchie to kiss them..i just feel like a terrible friend. and things arent so bad here, they just are not what i expected. i know that this is what i should have expected- with chris and bills, and working more than having fun, etc..but i wasnt realistic. being realistic is not fun. but it sure does help from dissappointment. i know many ppl warned me of this and i didnt listen. i wanted to believe my life would be so much better..when that was so stupid of me. it wasnt friends i wanted to leave, it was day to day routine, living at my mom's house and being surrounded by junk and depression..well lets see my house turns into that from time to time. if i had my way i would only work like 5 or 6 hours a day so that i could have a sparkling clean house, but then chris would come home and wreck it( or the puppy now but he doesnt know any better) 

and what really sucks is that i have gotten into debt since moving. and i hate it. i hate that i let myself get into financial trouble again. that makes it so much harder to come home to visit or to move back. i have so many bills that i ran out of checks already! its crazy. now i know how most of u have been living for years now..i hate all the bills that constantly flood my mail box.. car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, rent, kohls charge, capital one card, chase card, bank of america card(which saved choppers life so i dont mind as much), gas water and electric, cable, and soon dog health insurance- which is only like $30 for both of them but still....AHHH and i know there are more i cant think of right now...grr 


and furthermore( i just wanted to use that word :)  i have kind of let myself go, i was going to the gym when i first got here but not so much now that im working alot. and chris's eating habits have rubbed off on me. so i canceled my gym membership cuz it was a waste since i wasnt going. but in the last few days i have been thinking..hmmm since my pants are getting tight maybe i should do something about this before it gets worse..i started jogging with patchie a few nights ago and it was hard to do but i did feel somewhat better after..and i think i will just put in my old taebo tapes and see what happens. even if i can do 20 mins, its better than 0 mins. and i was also thinking of giving up meat for a few months(which i have never done in my life) to make myself eat healthier..cuz if i am not eating meat, i cant go to sonic or wendys..or whereever! so im gonna try it and i have a vegetarian friend who said she would help me with some good recipes. so im gonna take a stab at it. it couldnt hurt. 


sooo in conclusion i miss u all more than u know and i am going to try to take better care of myself and cut up my credit cards..
-amen
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