[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, December 19th, 2007|
|i have missed live journal
i havent been feeling quite like myself lately. and i think i have been avoiding writing any live journals..cuz then what im thinking i would have to deal with on paper. im not happy right now and i know this sadness has many causes. if i start this journal, im going to have to finish it and i hope any one who reads this knows, this is purely for my own benefit to possibly relieve myself of all this emotional weight.
ok i guess here goes..i think i left maryland for lots of reasons, all of which dont make alot of sense..i wanted to be on my own and get an awesome job as a designer and see new things and go to college and get away from seeing ppl i didnt care to see at random places..and i really dont know why i felt like i needed to leave to do ALL
of these things. i knew it was wrong to move to be with chris so i thought about going to ASU to have another reason to be there. well ASU wanted me to start over and go for 4 years with them. and i wasnt motivated to spend 4 more years in school. i mean coe on-i struggled with community college! so anyways, arizona isnt terrible, but its completely opposite from what im used to. its a large state where half is green and chilly like the grand canyon and then there's the half where i live and its the desert. so it's been hard to get used to the climate, roads, big cities, tons of traffic and having to drive a good while to get to the really nice, rich area of scottsdale and thats where ppl go for interior design and stuff. so its not the easiest, not that md is easy but now in comparision its seems to be easier. i used to be annoyed about rush hour traffic from annapolis and now i wouldnt mind it as much.
ok so next rant, im not as qualified as ppl who went to design school out here. it has to do with a program called auto-cad thats sort of a difficult architecture program..i took a few classes in college for it but i never used it in work. and thats pretty much a requirement for a design job out here. so i dont feel that im prepared enough to tell an employer that im proficient in the program if im not...but i know how to design and i can sell so thats what i have been doing. retail- working in furniture stores, designing at times, but mostly selling furniture. its ok but not what i wanna do forever..so i thinking about taking a class but i need to get financial aid or ask my mom to help..which i HATE to do..so im still in the process of what i shoud before next semester.
also since i have moved i have become in credit card debt. and thats is very overwhelming in itself. im pissed at myself for it, but i think i may have a shopping complusion..besides the fact that my wieght fluctuates so alot of my clothes didnt for for awhile..and i go and shop for the house and the dogs and bills and groceries, gas, insurance, etc etc etc RENT and i know there are more and i cant even make my bills right now..and im really scared to what i might have done to my credit...
chris and i arent working but everyone i know, knows that and i dont wanna go into detail with it, but im definately looking at other guys and wanting to find someone who makes me happy..i feel like if not- im just selling myself short..so that topic doesnt need alot of coverage becuz ive already talked to everyone about it at some point and i know its an "i told ya so" type thing and u guys were all right..i knew it all along and went the other way anyways..i learned never to do anything just for a guy..there needs to be more in it for me, than for him. i need to make sure im happy and if im not than end it and i hope after i get out of this mess that i can change my outlook on guys and boyfriends. i dont ever wanna not see my friends becuz of a guy or have him tell me what i can and cant do..
i think part of me is really, really effected by my dad's death. and i think i convinced myself it would be easier to get over it, if i was no where my dad had been so i wouldnt have memories and stuff..but there are things do make me think about him still and now i feel even worse for having my mom go through it alone. i miss my mom alot. i wish i was there for her. i miss my brother soo much too.
i guess last but not least is my self confidence. i have always had an issue with my confidence level. it goes up and down and way down and then sort of back up and im never really confident all the time. when i left md my confidence was pretty good...and after about a month it went down some becuz i felt alone and didnt know my way around(i still dont that much) and then finally like 3 months later i was doing better and making friends and felt pretty confident cuz i was making sales at my old job and felt good about myself..then a couple months later things went down hill with the shitty owner we had and i was no longer happy at that job( along with all of the other designers who i befriended and we all quit) but after that point, i felt pretty good about myself becuz i was going home to md and i was going to start a new job when i returned from vacation. so i went home and after a few days my confidence started to go back down..i feel that ppl under estimate me and dont take me seriously at times and kind of say "oh lauren..." like im just someone who screws up or something. and this is something that is hard for me to explain and i want to make sure im explaining this right..its nothing huge, but enough to make me feel somewhat crappy about myself..like i dont know if ppl think im just really dumb and ditzy or something but im pretty intelligent. im just goofy and lazy at times and i dont know how ppl see me. i only can tell how it makes me feel.and its not something that im saying any one specific person did, i have felt like ppl judge me and think im stupid for a long time..like since high school or before..and chris does it to me too..so i dont know what i do or how i come off but i just want ppl to realize that im smart inside and maybe some things that come out of my mouth dont always reflect that.. i just wanted to get everything off of my shoulders, becuz lately i feel like i dont know who i am, im just angry and unhappy and right now im trying to decide whether to move home or give AZ a little longer before i give up and pretty much fail at being on my own . this has been a super hard year of my life..and i hope that in the long run, i learn alot about myself..and i want to figure out a way to get over my confidence issues that make me antisocial and probably a pain in the ass(cuz i write stuff like this...for u all to read)
on a similar note i want to find that guy who lets me be me, but also makes me better at being who i am..
thanks for reading my thoughts ..i do feel alittle more relieved, but i have some decisions to make in the near future..and i hope to make the right choices.. Current Mood: exhausted
|Monday, October 8th, 2007|
i had a great weekend! the temperature was really nice out..like 90s during the day and like 75ish at night..it was soo nice for the weather to not be hot....i had three days off work, we get them every six weeks..so yay! i went to oktoberfest on friday night and it was fun! i had some beers and then went out to the bars closeby, we met some of chris's friends at the bar and hung out for a few hours. i got pretty silly but i still felt ok the next day..on saturday we went target shooting with chris's brother and siter-in law. they are cops and took us to the shooting range. i get such a rush when i shoot. its hard though! the guns were heavy and the longer you hold the gun, the more wobbly my arms got, but i had a good time. and we also drove to the top of casa grande mountain and it was pretty up there with lots of cactus and rocks. the view of tabletop mtn across the horizon was pretty! check it out on myspace under the hanging out in az album. then..that night we went to a senses fail show!!! it was a great day. i drunk some beers and danced all silly at the show. chris thought i was wierd. but i dont care!! sooo on sunday, we went to the IMAX and saw the heartbreak kid on the big screen. the movie was ok., it had some funy parts but it wasnt that wonderful. but luckily we got in cheap cuz it was the grand opening and it was a matinee. but i wouldnt reccommend it!! and afterwards we went to PF changs and it was super!! i hope everyone had a good weekend!
|Monday, September 17th, 2007|
|taking some weight of my shoulders...or ass
sometimes i dont realize how incredibly much i miss home. i mean i know that i miss it, but not to the degree that i truely miss everyone and everything. i feel like i am missing out alot by being so far away. all the parties, all the fun times that i am not there for. i know i had to go off on my own and try something new but there are times that i regret it. i miss my mom SOO much and my brother. and little raven. i know they miss me and patchie but they dont call that much(especially raven) yeah but i am glad i had this experience and its going so fast. i have been here for going on 4 months now..but i wanna go home! its my comfort place..whenever i am mad or sad or insanely overwhemled i just say i wanna go home and hide under the covers..like that would fix anything! i know not that brightest idea but hey it makes me feel better for a split second.
and i know that not only am i missing out on fun times, but also times that my friends and family need me. i hate to hear about a crisis or tough time that i cant just give that person a hug, or a bowl hit or get patchie to kiss them..i just feel like a terrible friend. and things arent so bad here, they just are not what i expected. i know that this is what i should have expected- with chris and bills, and working more than having fun, etc..but i wasnt realistic. being realistic is not fun. but it sure does help from dissappointment. i know many ppl warned me of this and i didnt listen. i wanted to believe my life would be so much better..when that was so stupid of me. it wasnt friends i wanted to leave, it was day to day routine, living at my mom's house and being surrounded by junk and depression..well lets see my house turns into that from time to time. if i had my way i would only work like 5 or 6 hours a day so that i could have a sparkling clean house, but then chris would come home and wreck it( or the puppy now but he doesnt know any better)
and what really sucks is that i have gotten into debt since moving. and i hate it. i hate that i let myself get into financial trouble again. that makes it so much harder to come home to visit or to move back. i have so many bills that i ran out of checks already! its crazy. now i know how most of u have been living for years now..i hate all the bills that constantly flood my mail box.. car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, rent, kohls charge, capital one card, chase card, bank of america card(which saved choppers life so i dont mind as much), gas water and electric, cable, and soon dog health insurance- which is only like $30 for both of them but still....AHHH and i know there are more i cant think of right now...grr
and furthermore( i just wanted to use that word :) i have kind of let myself go, i was going to the gym when i first got here but not so much now that im working alot. and chris's eating habits have rubbed off on me. so i canceled my gym membership cuz it was a waste since i wasnt going. but in the last few days i have been thinking..hmmm since my pants are getting tight maybe i should do something about this before it gets worse..i started jogging with patchie a few nights ago and it was hard to do but i did feel somewhat better after..and i think i will just put in my old taebo tapes and see what happens. even if i can do 20 mins, its better than 0 mins. and i was also thinking of giving up meat for a few months(which i have never done in my life) to make myself eat healthier..cuz if i am not eating meat, i cant go to sonic or wendys..or whereever! so im gonna try it and i have a vegetarian friend who said she would help me with some good recipes. so im gonna take a stab at it. it couldnt hurt.
sooo in conclusion i miss u all more than u know and i am going to try to take better care of myself and cut up my credit cards..
i am happy to say that my puppies are getting along! its so great. i was worried about patchie becuz she has a history of trying to fight other dogs and i felt bad that she was jealous..but after about 3 days she was getting used to chopper. she smelled everything he touched and everywhere he had been and i guess she realized he wasnt going anywhere. and now they give each other kisses and play bite and i just cant wait until he is better so they can really play. cuz right now his leg is still healing and he is not supposed to be running or jumping around. and patch can be quite rough when she plays. i know she plays really rough with chris but she cant play like that with chopper yet. but i am happy that i have two dogs. they are my babies and they make me happy. at least something out there thinks im super important to them!! i wish u all could see my puppy. one day i will bring him home and u guys will get to meet him.
|Monday, September 3rd, 2007|
|new addition to the family
soo we are getting a new puppy. he is like 2 or 3 months old..and we have no idea what breed he is really..all i know is that he is super cute....he was chris's parents puppy for about a month, the puppy came from their neighbors who pretty much are mexican white trash people that have all kinds of animals in their yard(that they own but dont take care of) so one of their dogs had puppies and his parents decided they wanted one. well they kept the dog outside all the time on a chain and he got loose on saturday night and ran towards the yard where the other puppies were cuz he wanted to play with them...well he was attacked by a 100 pound, mistreated, pit bull that was tied up in the yard. the poor puppy had punture wounds on his front leg, a medium sized gash on his neck and a broken leg..he was laying there in pain, bleeding and crying...so chris's nephew, justin called us to find out what to do..chris's parents couldnt afford to take it to the vetand the emergency vet was an hour away, so they were just going to let him stay there in pain and i was listening to chris and justins conversation and i was in tears crying my eyes out. so after 20 mins of listening to them try to figure out what to do..and all i could think about was the poor puppy bleeding and crying..so i finally said ok we are going to get the dog..so we got in my car and drove an hour to casa grande to chris's parents house to get the puppy..then we had an hour drive back and we took the dog to an emergency vet. they took the puppy back right away to get him some pain medicine and check out his injuries. so we waited until about 3am for them to come and tell us what was going on and if he was going to make it. it cost sooooo much money to get him medicine, xrays, blood work, treatment and 24 hour care since saturday night. and the puppy is scheduled to get surgery on his back leg on tuesday some time..he has a broken femur and he will be in a cast for 6 weeks. but luckily since he is young the doctor said he will heal quickly and he will not have problems in the long run. the puppy was really lucky and i feel that if he didnt get to the vet right away his wounds would have gotten infected and he would have been in alot of pain..so i felt that i HAD to help him. although it cost alot of money, i would have felt terrible if he didnt get the help he needed and he died..there was also talk of putting the dog to sleep and i just could not do it. the vet never suggested it, but other people did and i think that would have been the wrong choice. ..i just would not have been able to live with myself if i made that choice..to me it would have been like having an abortion..i want to own my own SPCA one day after i retire from design and i needed to do what i could..and i know patch is not going to be happy at all..but she is going to have to learn to deal with it. chris is home most of the day so they wont be alone and i was thinking that the puppy could be crated in patchies(large kennel) when no one was home. if things dont work out, i will try to find him a new home, but i want to give it a try..i will NOT give him to just anyone though..i will make sure its a good home if the decision turns out that way..but i want to keep him..
|Monday, August 27th, 2007|
|hostess with the mostess, i think not
i had a party last weekend at my house. i wanted to get everyone from my work together to get to know everyone better. also chris has his friends from school and work come over and we invited some of the neighbors over. so it was a wide mix of people. at being that it was at my house i wanted to talk to everyone. and i was drinking quite alot of jungle juice and being silly..but the night seemed to go by really fast. and i feel like i didnt spend that much time with my friends from work and now i feel like they all got closer to each other. and i didnt. so now i still feel like the odd one out at times. and that really sucks. so i hate when i feel left out and i even made an event to try to get closer to people and i didnt spend enough time with them so i still feel out of the loop. im out of the loop with them and my friends from maryland. so i feel like i dont have anyone that i can be super close to. and i hear them making plans for dinner and to hang out and i dont hear them say anything to me..so i guess im done trying..if they want to be friends with me outside of work, they know where to find me. i miss maryland like crazy!!
|Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007|
i have been off my medicine for 2 days( not on purpose- i just ran out of anti-depressants)..
things are swirling around in my head and i cant turn it off..i feel the same way i have for a good part of my life..depressed obviously..insecure, like no one likes me, like im not unique, not good enough, jealous of other ppl -only cuz i check out their myspace and they look so happy, popular, and perfect..although it may not all be true..lets see pretty much like my life is a big giant waste..that i miss my home- my friends, mom, brother, cat, and most of all my dad. im really just writing all this in hopes that it can now leave my brain and i can get some rest. all the reasons that i loved smoking weed since it either made me forget about these concerns...or pretty much let me not care as much..or at all..why did i eat so badly for two months and not work out..now im kicking my own ass trying to get into shape and fit into my clothes..i hate it..it always seems like life elsewhere is so much better when that is a pure illusion. at times i think im happy here, but im lonely..i have a few new friends but nothing like what i left behind and took advantage of. why did i spend so many nights by myself at home getting high when i could have been with friends..why do i let myself become anti-social and uncomfortable around new people. why do i get "stage-fright" and think everyone is judging me. most of all why are my thoughts so scattered and inconsistent..i jump from topic to topic..i guess that is what my mind is doing..its making me think i am seriously crazy. i need to find a counselor or someone to talk to here. to help me sort out my madness. i want to get back on my pills asap..not that i like being on meds..i hate it actually..but it makes me stable. also keeps me from crying over everything. i havent cried much at all since being on these pills..except more serious reasons. i guess it helps me focus but i wish i wasnt so scattered without medicine. i know i have had a rough couple of years dealing with my poor dad..but people go through worse..and i cant handle it. i basically couldnt handle life even before he got sick. ive been a depressed mess for a long time before that..i dont know why..i used to always blame my mom or dad..but it really wasnt anything they did or didnt do..its just me. i wonder if its even fixable..cuz my parents were actually great. me moving away made me realize that pretty quickly. no i wasnt super poor, or abused or beaten, and my parents were druggies, they cared alot and i was really lucky cuz there are alot of kids with fucked up parents. and i wasnt one of them. why do i always think so poorly of myself? why cant i just be happy being me..im not so bad, eventhough i can convince myself otherwise. i hate having that sick, totally un-useful ability to put myself down. its not fun so why do i do it? i dont even think about doing it..i just do it..dammit lauren just be happy!!
so anyways i miss u dad and all my wonderful, freaking amazing friends who begged me not to go and i went anyways..i guess im just too stubborn and wanted to try something new thinking it would make my life super, but thats not true. i have a pretty cool job, but life isnt wonderful. its just ok. growing up isnt fun at all..paying bills- not having time for fun or money for medicine or eating out at work or gas until payday..sometimes i just want to go back to being 6 years old the day that my dad brought home a video camera from work..and although i cant find that home video i remember how great that day was from watching it so many times..and if i could relive that day i would in a heartbeat..oh my god..i freakin love my family and i want them all back
|Wednesday, August 8th, 2007|
|living in arizona
arizona is a big change for me to get used to. everywhere i go and people check my ID they say "oh how long have u been here blah blah oh your just going to love it here" and i say i know. but its not really like home to me. im getting used to it and learning the roads more, but i still use my GPS when going somewhere i dont go that often. and i dont see any people i know. i see people that look like people i know though which is wierd...its like we have twins on the other side of the country that we dont know about! i have never seen anyone that looks like me though. i have made some new friends through chris and through work, but it's not the same. like my friends from home, they know me. they know what happened to me last summer and in the last few years. and new people dont. so when the 1 yr anniverary of my dad's death came around, i felt isolated. but i made it though. i teared up alittle and cried the night before it happened, but i was more worried about my mom than anything. and i called her like 10 times in 3 days(Aug. 1st- their anniversary, Aug. 2nd- day he died, and Aug. 3rd- her birthday) so i was worried. but she really seemed ok, my brother was around and took her out for her bday and so did her friend and the family was there for her those days and i felt bad that i wasnt. but i guess thats what happens when you move away, you are on your own and live your own life. i just feel like im not being a good daughter or friend when im not there for people when i think they need me. i do like being here, i do like being on my own, but there are alot of times when im homesick or really want my friends. maryland will always be my home and as much as i hated it at times i miss it. i miss my mom's cooking..i miss my family and my brother who sometimes drove me nuts but now i just wanna hang out with him. i wanna hang out with all of my friends. but like i said i am getting used to living here. i like my job and my house. but paying bills sucks. and i like how it rains mostly at night(during monsoon season, not the rest of the year much though) i guess i just dont see what the wonderful thing im supposed to love so much is. there are pretty sunsets and mountains but a ton of dirt and not much grass..and the trees arent pretty like im used to. and there arent any squirrels. but we do have cute lizards. so its just different. i guess i can say i like it but i dont love it, cuz my friends and family arent there..ok i could probably go on and on..i guess i should get back to work..love my MD buddies! Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, August 5th, 2007|
|training boys to be clean
ok i so have learned that in most cases men are messy. my brother is a slob and leaves the most messes out of anyone i know. but my dad was not a messy person at all. and in reason months i have picked up alot of my dad's traits. i think he was a great person and i wouldn't mind being like him. although when he was really sick, i do remember him saying that he shouldnt have been so strict about keeping things clean all the time, but i think it was a better atmosphere to live in, then a messy home. i think things should be clean and put away. im an interior designer, we are kind of particular about things like that. and the thing is that my boyfriend isnt the cleanest person. and it drives me crazy. i have heard of some men being worse than him, but its difficult to live with someone who doesnt care about keeping things clean and neat. i mean he leaves his clothes all over the house and cabinet doors open and tops off of food items that will go bad! ...it just drives me crazy. on my days off, i always clean up the house and the days i come home from work, things are all over the of place and it frustrates me. i cant relax until things are back to normal. ok so maybe i am OCD or something... but my room in my mom's house was not super clean(even quite messy at times), but now that im on my own and spend my own money on everything and the way things look reflect on me more, i take alot more time in making sure the house looks decent. and im a germophobe so i have to disinfect things too. i have to know that the counters arent sticky and gross. and especially the stove, cuz if u leave food under the burners u wont ever get that off completely. ok i know i sound crazy! but to me it makes sense. i know it drove me crazy living with my brother and now i dont have to deal with that but i live with someone who is like 75% as bad as my brother was! and dont get me wrong sometimes i do leave things out for a bit like if im in a hurry for work or some place but when i get back i clean it up and put it all away! so i guess im kind of like monica from friends. i cant help it! Current Mood: annoyed